


Poems that I wrote

by BeeLikeTheBug



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety, Bisexuality, Depression, LGBTQ Themes, Neurodiversity, Nonbinary Character, Poetry, Trans, Writing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:55:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 1,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28706295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeeLikeTheBug/pseuds/BeeLikeTheBug
Summary: I frequently write poetry and I wanted a place to put it other than a google doc, so I'm putting it here. Feel free to read and if you have any critiques or ideas for ways to be better please let me know! Some of this stuff is personal so if you have criticism of the content keep it to yourself.





	1. The smell of the rain

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first poem I wrote this year so it's not my favorite tbh

Don’t you simply love the smell of the rain?  
The pavement sparkling with water  
and the color of the sky painting over the ugly greys of the city?  
The water cleaning what is dirty  
and refreshing plants that are neglected?  
Don’t you love the sounds of the frogs  
splashing in the pools that they like to call home,  
coming out of their hiding spots because they are thirsty  
and they want to play?  
The children who know that they will come home soaked  
But they run off in little yellow raincoats  
and bright red rubber boots that look like ladybugs,  
jumping up and down in the lakes that now surround their schools and parks.  
I want to play in the rain with you,  
I want to see your face with the water streaming down your cheeks  
and a smile plastered across your cheeks,  
held in place by my hand gripping tightly to yours.  
I want to lean in and feel your warmth  
amidst the cold water that will have us shivering later,  
so that we can be closer together.


	2. Cider

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is short and sweet

A steamy mug of apple cider that sits in my lap.  
It sits next to a happy, fat, ginger cat that wants nothing more than to smash the mug just to see what happens.  
Aren’t we all eager to see what happens?  
Perhaps I don’t even know what I might destroy with my curiosity.  
But who knows? The cat might not be curious. She might purely like the sound of the mug as it shatters.  
I overthink.  
Instead I sip the cider, and the tartness makes me happy.  
I take another sip, and I let my mind wander.


	3. Cool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is about specific people and I do not want them to see it but they don't read fic so I'm not worried

I think it’s cool   
how people can pop into your life   
And make it so much better.  
A singular conversation can brighten your day. A joke, a comment, or even a smile.  
Especially when the joke or smile comes from you.  
The sky turns from grey to pink and I fill with warmth.  
The caterpillars turn to butterflies and I exhale.  
I think it’s cool   
that you popped into my life  
And made it so much better.


	4. Dancing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was the first really good one I wrote this year, or at least I think it was good.

I wish I could go dancing  
I want to wear an outfit that makes me feel handsome  
And wear shoes that make me taller even though they pinch my toes  
Because a little bit of discomfort is worth a long night of fun  
And my height makes me insecure.  
In a night of dancing I don’t need insecurities.  
Tonight, I am tall and beautiful.   
And my jacket will come off and get lost because I was moving too quickly   
I get hot so easily, but the jacket seemed like a good idea at the time.  
I didn’t expect to dance so late, but the music thumps in my chest  
And I needed to keep going.   
I need to be moving, moving, moving,   
In circles  
In patterns, anything.  
Anything.   
It all comes back to the idea that I want to be dancing, and I want to be dancing with other people.  
I want to bump into other people and I want neither of us to care.  
Because what if I bump into someone who I know?  
What if I bump into someone who I will know?  
What if?   
What if I went dancing and I didn't meet someone new?  
I think that would be pretty sad.


	5. Busy Already

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is one that's about social anxiety a little bit so cw for that

I wonder if you can hang out next week  
I doubt that you can.  
You always seem to be busy hanging out  
And hanging out not with me.  
Any excuse is valid,  
And I understand why you wouldn't want to be with me.  
But I think it is a silly bit of information to know  
That you made me cry when you said that you   
Were   
Busy.


	6. Looks Like Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is about gender euphoria!!!

I can’t believe that I look like myself right now.  
Who would believe that if I wear enough layers  
And I squeeze my chest hard enough  
If I blur my eyes  
And I move my hoodie’s sleeves so that my shoulders are wider  
That I would look like me?  
I can look like myself? Since when?  
And I look like me. I can’t believe that   
I look like me.  
Because my chest is flat and my voice can be deeper  
If it is in my head  
And the boys treat me like one of them  
But I’m not one of them  
And that is cool too.  
Because I am not a boy.  
I am me, and I   
Look like me.


	7. I want them to laugh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guess who has a funny friend complex B-)

For what reason do you keep me around?  
You say that you like me and I think I believe you  
But it is hard to understand why.  
I sit and listen to all of your words  
From all of your many mouths.  
The jokes and teasing falls from your invisible electronic lips  
And I am muted.  
My mic is on.  
But I cannot speak.  
I do not know what to say.   
I want you to keep me around, so I say nothing.  
And ironically, that is what scares me.  
What if I am not funny enough to be kept around?  
I want them all to laugh.  
I want to make you laugh.  
The rare time when I quip something to make you laugh  
It fills me with so much happiness  
And I bubble over  
Like a boiling kettle.  
And my boiling laughter spills and I feel annoying and loud.  
So I might as well just be quiet.  
It just sucks because I want them to laugh.


	8. Heaven Spoke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW for religious imagery, and also Yeehaw this poem is Gay

Heaven spoke to me.  
She was no angel in disguise.  
She was an ordinary woman in a flowing gown.  
She breathed upon my neck  
And whispered her secrets in my ears.  
What did she say?  
I can’t hear her. I can feel her breath on my neck.  
Whispering, whispering.  
Her cold fingers trace circles on my back.  
Heaven is a young woman who knows what she wants.  
I think she is not what I deserve.   
But I do not desire hell either.  
I lie there and heaven kisses my cheek.  
I do not believe in heaven or hell.  
So why is she so perfect?


	9. Thoughts and Musings of an anxious teen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yaaaaay more anxiety

I think it is safe to say that I cry a lot.  
Over stupid small things.  
Because I am stupid and small.  
I am my own worst nightmare in that sense.  
I expect unrealistic things to happen to me  
And then they don’t happen  
And I cry and I cry.  
I think I know what is wrong with me   
But I can’t be sure  
And I don’t want to ask the question.  
Because the answer is always that I am the problem.  
Am I the problem?   
I think it is not my fault but I wish it was  
Because then I would have someone to blame  
Scratch that.  
I don’t want to blame someone.  
But why do I have to be so sad?  
I want to be happy and giggle when he says jokes and   
I want to flirt with her and I want her to hug me and   
I need to be happier but it is not my fault.  
At least I don’t think it is.


	10. A Frozen Stone

I’m so cold  
My fingertips are red and I am shaking.  
I am wrapped in wool and fleece  
And my head is covered in hair  
And yet the redness on my ears persists  
And it feels like I have turned into a stone  
That sits in the woods on a winter's day.  
The sun cannot break through the trees and so everything is dark.  
And cold.  
Arms around me would warm me up   
And a cup of tea or cider.  
How I crave those things right now,  
Oh, how I crave them.  
The cold isn’t from around me. I am the cold.  
I am the frozen stone sitting underneath the hardened sun.  
And I wait for the world around me to notice.


	11. Genderfuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one means so much to me

The first time I felt gender euphoria that I remember was in late seventh grade.  
I didn’t know what it was.  
I knew I was happy and I didn’t register it as anything but regular happiness.  
I wasn’t happy a lot then.  
I didn’t have friends that I liked very much  
And I had just gotten a new haircut.   
My hair was shoulder length  
And I think it looked pretty.   
I started dressing better sometimes.  
I discovered that tucking in a shirt and puffing it out was cute.  
Did you know that it almost looks like a crop top?  
I looked like all of the other girls.  
Except what actually made me happy was my body shape  
Which was now even and flat on both sides.   
I was not a monster of curves that I didn’t know I hated seeing in the mirror.  
Because I thought everyone hated their bodies.  
I think looking in the mirror and seeing flat lines on a soft body  
And seeing myself look taller and like someone cool  
And someone worth knowing  
And someone worth spending time with  
Is a great accomplishment.  
Now, when I wear a collared shirt  
French tucked into high waisted wide pants   
And my hair is short  
And tucked into a ball cap  
That proudly has my flags on it,   
I fondly think of that 13 year old.  
They didn’t know what was coming,  
But they were strong and made it through.


	12. The sad part of making new friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this three days ago immediately after an anxiety attack so yeah

I want to think they are my world.  
Not the whole thing  
But my world is large enough that you are a large fraction of who I want to be.  
And who I am.  
Who I am isn’t necessarily who I want to be.  
I wish I could be happier  
And I wouldn’t have to cry  
Or explain that I cry so much.  
And as much as you mean to me  
I know I can’t mean as much to you.  
I don’t know if a person can love as much  
Until they know they weren’t loved.  
Friends that like me is a new thing.  
And I am bittersweet.  
You like me and I am grateful.  
I am beyond grateful.  
I am a planet.  
And you guys are like a sun.  
And when you call me mean names I know it comes from a place of love.  
But I want to have known you longer.  
And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?  
Having a history with someone, with people.  
You all have a history and I am apart from that.  
You are stories and you are time.  
I am sad stories that I don't want to share.  
And inside jokes with people you don’t know  
That aren’t even that funny.  
So what about me is there to love?


	13. People are Confusing as Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I wrote this one today and um... no comment.

It’s so fucking scary  
I don’t know if you like me or not,   
And I am not an optimist.  
I can’t afford to assume because I don’t want to look stupid  
So I apologize for things that didn’t happen.  
And I buzz   
I buzz so loudly that I can’t hear the truth  
I have fun.  
And then the fun ends and I feel awful  
Because I don’t know if I was stupid  
Or if I did something wrong.  
I don’t understand your social cues  
And I don’t know when to stop talking.  
I talk and I talk and I talk and   
I wish I could stop talking for five seconds.  
As each word leaves my mouth it stings.  
I know I am being annoying, I just know it.   
But when I apologize you say I did nothing wrong.  
I don’t know if I can trust you,  
If what my brain says is the opposite of what you said.  
Then again, it might just be my fault again.  
I tend to do things wrong anyway.


End file.
